Wednesday, January 12, 2011

How I Made My Millions

I'm reworking my cover letter, you know. Like you do. I know this has fuckall to do with mythology, but it's got a lot to do with modernity.

Technically, my role at my last full-time position was web designer. I’ve taken the liberty of adding “cyber pimp” to my job title, so as to give myself slightly greater leeway in terms of the tasks I can throw myself into. The way I see it, they hired me as an idea man. It's the role I've taken in partnerships in the past, and though some companies don't like hearing "ideas" from employees on a regular basis, TLA was unique in that regard.

This monkey is deadly serious
About Space Exploration.
Are you? 
Here is a new marketing incentive which I introduced at a marketing and design strategy session, early during the process of rebranding their network of sites:
"I want to push TLA to be the first movie distribution company to launch an ape into space. Forget for a moment that there is no connection between film and strapping a primate to the end of a Titan missile. (Did I say strapping? Placing. Gently placing.) Also forget that it would be an incredibly expensive venture- I imagine the net cost per pound of monkey launching could be in the millions. This is simply something that has never been attempted before in this industry. You want creative thinking? I'm thinking creatively. 
I recognize that this might be a hard sell to the partners. They will toss around words like "profit" and "lunatic." But American business is about taking bold steps. More importantly, it’s about getting there first... even if it turns out there was no sensible or even sane reason that we should have taken the journey in the first place. 
We will be the first media retailer to launch a monkey into space. And despite Blockbuster’s attempts to get into the space game, well. Clearly, they are outmatched. Because we have an edge they don't. The creative edge."

No, but seriously. I have worked as creative director, content director, web designer, SEO assassin, sex ninja robot assassin, and once I made an egg stand on its end with the force of my will alone. So pay me money to organize and manage teams that will help you do the impossible, or this poor monkey will surely burn to death as a result of inadequate funding. Because I AM going to strap him into this rocket I've made out of spare parts, if no better materials for this "space mission" come through.

(P.S. When it comes to attitude, I couldn't agree more with this sentiment... even if my fashion sense leads me to wear a lot of orange.)

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